Transcript
[3:24] Good morning, dear sangha
[3:27] Today is Sunday, the 30th of March 2014
[3:34] We are in the Assembly of Stars meditation hall
[3:39] of the Dharma Nectar Temple,
[3:41] Lower Hamlet, Plum Village
[3:46] This is our second week of the spring session
[4:07] When you breathe in mindfully,
[4:13] you bring your mind home to your body
[4:19] Your inbreath is like a vehicle, a car
[4:24] bringing your mind home to your body
[4:27] It takes only 2 or 3 seconds
[4:31] in order for you to bring your mind
[4:34] home to your body.
[4:39] In our daily lives,
[4:41] very often our body is there,
[4:43] but our mind is elsewhere.
[4:47] Our mind is in the future, in our projects,
[4:51] in the past,
[4:54] caught in anger, fear, anxiety,
[4:57] and very seldom our mind is
[4:59] with our body.
[5:02] That is why, when you bring attention
[5:05] to your inbreath, and breathe in,
[5:08] you bring your mind home to your body.
[5:12] It takes only 2 to 3 seconds
[5:16] for the mind to go home to the body.
[5:22] And when mind and body are together,
[5:25] you are there, you are truly there,
[5:29] in the here and the now
[5:31] and you can get in touch with the wonders of life
[5:34] that are available in the here and in the now
[5:36] for your transformation and healing.
[5:40] It's very easy.
[5:43] To breathe in and to focus your attention
[5:46] only on your inbreath.
[5:49] And it is also very pleasant to do.
[5:55] How wonderful to breathe in.
[6:02] And if you really pay attention to your inbreath,
[6:07] your inbreath becomes the only object of your mind.
[6:16] You are concentrated on your inbreath,
[6:18] you are mindful of your inbreath,
[6:21] and you release everything else.
[6:23] You release the past, the future,
[6:25] your projects, your worries,
[6:27] and you become a free person.
[6:30] And therefore freedom is possible
[6:32] with one inbreath.
[6:37] Mindfulness and concentration
[6:40] directed to your inbreath
[6:43] help you to release everything else
[6:46] and you become a free person.
[6:50] And if you want to keep that freedom,
[6:56] then you can breathe out also mindfully.
[7:00] Breathing out mindfully,
[7:04] you focus your attention on your outbreath,
[7:08] you are concentrated on your outbreath,
[7:11] and your mind is only with your outbreath.
[7:15] Everything else cannot cling to you -
[7:19] the past, the future, your worries, your fear.
[7:23] You are free from that.
[7:25] So with the practice of mindful breathing,
[7:28] you can cultivate freedom,
[7:36] and you can preserve that freedom
[7:39] as long as you wish.
[7:42] 2 minutes, 3 minutes, 4 minutes.
[7:45] If you know how to practice mindful breathing,
[7:47] mindful walking,
[7:50] you keep your freedom.
[7:56] You are not pulled away by the past,
[7:59] by the future, by your worries, your projects.
[8:03] You breathe as a free person,
[8:05] and you walk as a free person.
[8:09] And if you are to make a decision,
[8:14] the decision will be good
[8:17] because you are not influenced
[8:19] by your fear, your anger.
[8:22] If you make a decision
[8:24] when you are angry or fearful
[8:27] that is not a good one.
[8:30] But when you are free
[8:33] free from anger, from fear,
[8:37] from jealousy, from hate,
[8:40] from the past, from the future,
[8:42] then you can make the best kind of decision.
[8:46] Next time when you are to make a decision,
[8:51] restore your freedom
[8:53] by the practice of mindful breathing,
[8:55] mindful walking,
[8:58] and in that state of being free,
[9:00] you can make a good decision
[9:02] for you and for other people.
[9:09] When you spend 2 hours with your computer,
[9:18] you forget entirely that you have a body.
[9:24] During that time, you are absorbed in your work,
[9:30] and your mind is not with your body.
[9:40] You are not alive, truly alive,
[9:42] during that moment.
[9:45] You are lost in your work, your projects,
[9:51] your thinking, your planning.
[10:01] In Plum Village, many of us
[10:05] have a bell of mindfulness in our computer
[10:10] and every quarter of an hour,
[10:14] you hear the bell of mindfulness
[10:17] and you stop working,
[10:20] you go back to your body,
[10:22] by the way of mindful breathing,
[10:24] and you feel alive again,
[10:27] you bring your mind home to your body,
[10:30] you enjoy breathing in and out,
[10:32] you become fully alive,
[10:34] you smile to life,
[10:37] and after that you continue your work.
[10:40] And that is a good way not to be pulled away
[10:46] for a long time
[10:51] from the present moment.
[10:53] Ant that helps you
[10:55] to release the tension in your body
[10:59] and keep your freshness,
[11:03] keep your joy and happiness.
[11:08] The bell of mindfulness
[11:11] is a call
[11:14] calling you back to the present moment
[11:19] for you to be alive
[11:23] for you to be free
[11:25] in order to get in touch
[11:26] with the wonders of life that are available
[11:28] in the here and in the now.
[11:36] When I do mindful movements,
[11:41] it is not my intention to have good health,
[11:44] but I just enjoy having a body
[11:49] I enjoy the movements.
[11:53] So joy, happiness is available
[11:57] during the time I practice these mindful movements.
[12:01] You do it for your own enjoyment,
[12:05] not for your health or anything else.
[12:10] So from the parking lot, walking to your office,
[12:17] you might like to walk in such a way,
[12:20] that every step can release the tension in your body,
[12:25] every step can bring you home to the here and now
[12:30] so that you can touch the wonders of life
[12:35] available in you and around you.
[12:43] If one inbreath can bring you home to your body,
[12:50] to the here and now,
[12:52] then one step you make can also bring you home
[12:55] to the here and now.
[12:58] You arrive in the here and now with every step.
[13:03] Your destination is not the office, the workplace.
[13:07] Your destination is in the here and now.
[13:10] And every breath, every step brings you home
[13:14] to the here and now so that you can
[13:16] be alive.
[13:20] Because we know that the past is already gone,
[13:26] and the future is not yet there.
[13:30] There is only one moment
[13:31] when you can be truly alive.
[13:33] That is the present moment.
[13:37] And you have an appointment with life
[13:39] in the present moment.
[13:41] And if you miss the present moment
[13:43] you miss your appointment with life.
[13:45] Which is very serious.
[13:48] You run to the future,
[13:51] you take refuge in the past,
[13:53] and you miss the present moment.
[13:56] There are those of us who are caught in the past
[14:00] who have no capacity to get out
[14:03] of the prison of the past
[14:04] in order to enjoy life in the present moment.
[14:09] There are those of us who are caught
[14:11] in the prison of the future
[14:13] who only think of the future.
[14:16] we don't think that happiness is possible
[14:18] in the present moment.
[14:21] So the basic practice is to always go home
[14:24] to the here and the now.
[14:28] And the practice of mindful breathing,
[14:31] mindful walking,
[14:32] can bring you home to the here and the now.
[14:36] Body and mind together so that you can touch
[14:39] the wonders of life that have the power
[14:42] to nourish and transform you, to heal you.
[14:50] And that is why, when we come to Plum Village,
[14:54] we should learn to master the art of breathing
[14:59] and walking.
[15:01] These two practices can help us
[15:05] to be free from the past and the future
[15:08] and to live deeply every moment that is given to us.
[15:16] So from the parking lot, walking to your office,
[15:20] you walk in such a way that each step
[15:23] makes you a free person. You enjoy every step.
[15:27] Every step brings you to the here and the now
[15:31] so that you can get in touch with the blue sky,
[15:36] the beautiful trees, the songs of the birds.
[15:42] Every wonder of life is available
[15:44] in the here and the now.
[15:46] And walking like that, you release the tension
[15:49] in your body with every step
[15:52] You don't need extra time to practice meditation,
[15:55] walking meditation,
[15:57] because from the parking lot to your office,
[16:00] you can walk like that as a free person.
[16:04] You stop all the thinking together,
[16:07] you just enjoy every step, and
[16:09] you just feel
[16:11] the presence of the wonders of life
[16:16] in yourself and around you.
[16:18] And every one of us can practice like that.
[16:28] Last time, we have learned the 7th ad the 8th
[16:34] exercise of mindful breathing.
[16:37] And you remember the 7th exercise
[16:41] of mindful breathing is to recognize
[16:44] a painful feeling that is coming up.
[16:49] Breathing in, I'm aware of the pain within myself.
[16:57] Breathing out, I smile to the pain within myself.
[17:03] That is the 7th exercise.
[17:24] "aware of pain"
[17:42] There is a painful feeling coming up.
[17:49] You know it.
[17:52] And as a practitioner, you know how to handle
[17:58] a painful feeling.
[18:02] The 7th exercise is to recognize the feeling.
[18:07] You do not try to run away from it
[18:10] like many people.
[18:13] You have to be there for your pain.
[18:18] Most of us are afraid to be overwhelmed
[18:21] by the pain inside.
[18:24] The painful feeling the painful emotion,
[18:29] not many of us know how to handle
[18:33] a painful feeling, a painful emotion.
[18:36] And most of us try to run away
[18:39] or to cover them up with consumptions.
[18:49] We use music, newspapers, television, internet
[18:56] in order to cover up the pain in us.
[19:00] We do not have the courage
[19:02] to face, to recognize the pain in us.
[19:07] So the practitioner does not do like that.
[19:11] He practices mindful breathing,
[19:14] he practices mindful walking
[19:17] and generating the energy of mindfulness.
[19:20] And with that energy of mindfulness,
[19:22] he's stronger.
[19:25] He can go home to himself
[19:28] and recognize the pain, and embrace it
[19:32] like a mother embracing her ailing baby.
[19:38] So the 7th exercise is:
[19:40] "Breathing in, I am aware of the painful feeling in me,
[19:43] breathing out, I embrace the painful feeling in me."
[19:51] There is the energy of pain
[19:59] and there is the energy of mindfulness
[20:03] generated by the practice
[20:08] of breathing or walking.
[20:13] So it is the second energy
[20:18] that is recognizing the first energy.
[20:23] That is the 7th exercise of mindful breathing
[20:27] proposed by the Buddha.
[20:30] Breathing in, I know that a painful feeling is in me.
[20:38] Breathing out, I smile, I recognize
[20:42] the painful feeling in me.
[20:48] And the 8th exercise
[20:53] is to calm down
[21:00] the painful feeling
[21:04] the way a mother is holding her ailing baby.
[21:11] So mindfulness is a kind mother,
[21:14] or big brother, or big sister,
[21:16] holding the child of suffering.
[21:25] The first thing you do is
[21:29] to use the energy of mindfulness
[21:32] to recognize the pain.
[21:36] And the second thing you do
[21:37] is to embrace your pain tenderly,
[21:43] like a mother holding her baby.
[21:50] A mother has the energy of tenderness,
[21:55] and that energy of tenderness penetrates
[21:57] into the body of the baby.
[22:00] The baby suffers less.
[22:02] After a few minutes,
[22:09] the baby may stop crying,
[22:14] because the energy of tenderness has
[22:17] penetrated into the energy of pain.
[22:27] So with the practitioner who knows how to
[22:31] generate the energies
[22:33] of mindfulness and concentration,
[22:36] it is possible to recognize,
[22:38] embrace the pain,
[22:41] and calm it down.
[22:45] By the practice of mindful breathing,
[22:47] mindful walking,
[22:50] you can stay with your pain,
[22:52] and you can calm it down.
[22:56] And you are not overwhelmed by the pain,
[22:58] because you do have a kind of energy,
[23:02] that has the power to recognize
[23:04] and to embrace.
[23:09] And everyone can generate the energies
[23:11] of mindfulness and concentration
[23:15] with the practices of mindful breathing,
[23:18] mindful walking.
[23:20] Mindfulness of breathing,
[23:22] mindfulness of walking -
[23:24] that is the practice.
[23:31] After having held the baby for a few minutes,
[23:35] and helping the baby to suffer less,
[23:38] the mother can find out
[23:41] what is wrong with the baby.
[23:44] The baby may have a fever,
[23:47] or the baby may be hungry.
[23:55] After having discovered that,
[23:58] the mother can change the situation very quickly.
[24:03] And after having used the energies
[24:06] of mindfulness and concentration
[24:09] to embrace your pain and calm it down,
[24:12] you get the insight as to why
[24:18] there is that kind of pain in yourself.
[24:22] And you can find the roots of the pain in yourself.
[24:26] And with the other exercise that follows,
[24:30] you can very well transform the pain in you
[24:33] into something more positive.
[24:40] And we have the exercises nr. 9, 10, 11, 12
[24:50] But you are curious to know
[24:53] what is the exercise number 6,
[24:59] and what is the exercise number 5.
[25:04] Exercise nr. 5 is to generate a feeling of joy.
[25:18] Generate joy.
[25:24] And the 6th is to generate happiness.
[25:33] A good practitioner can always
[25:38] bring about a feeling of joy
[25:42] whenever she wants.
[25:45] A good practitioner can always
[25:47] generate a feeling of happiness
[25:50] whenever he wants.
[25:53] And how?
[25:55] It's not too difficult.
[25:58] Because when you practice mindful breathing,
[26:01] and you breathe in, and you bring
[26:05] your mind home to your body,
[26:10] you become fully present in the here and the now.
[26:18] You realize what we call
[26:19] the oneness of body and mind.
[26:21] Mind and body are together.
[26:24] And when your mind is with your body,
[26:27] you are established in the here and the now.
[26:32] That's the first step.
[26:34] And when you are established
[26:36] in the here and the now,
[26:38] you are in a position to recognize
[26:42] the many wonders of life,
[26:44] the many conditions of happiness
[26:46] that you already have.
[26:54] And most of us do not believe that happiness
[26:57] is possible in the here and the now.
[26:59] We need to run to the future in order to get some more.
[27:04] And that is why we sacrifice the present moment
[27:09] for the sake of the future.
[27:13] But going home to the here and now,
[27:16] you will be able to recognize the many
[27:19] conditions of happiness that are already available to you.
[27:24] More than enough for you to be happy
[27:27] in the here and the now.
[27:29] More... than enough.
[27:32] The French have a song about that.
[27:38] "Qu'est-ce qu'on attend pour être heureux?"
[27:42] Why do we have to wait in order to be happy?
[27:45] Because in the here and the now,
[27:48] there are so many conditions of happiness
[27:51] that are already available!
[27:53] Take a piece of paper and write down
[27:56] the conditions of happiness that you have
[27:59] and you will see that one page is not enough,
[28:01] two pages are not enough,
[28:03] three pages are not enough.
[28:05] You are luckier than many people in the world.
[28:08] And if you are not happy in the here and now,
[28:11] that's your fault.
[28:12] Because you are not there in order to recognize them.
[28:17] So to generate a feeling of joy is always possible
[28:21] when you touch the conditions of happiness
[28:24] that are already available to you.
[28:28] Your eyes, still in good condition, is already
[28:33] a condition of happiness.
[28:35] You just open your eyes
[28:38] and you see the face of your beloved one,
[28:42] you see the blue sky,
[28:44] you see the trees,
[28:46] you see the hills, you see the river
[28:51] and the stars.
[28:54] So your eyes is one condition of happiness.
[28:58] And there are plenty of them in your body,
[29:01] (conditions of happiness),
[29:02] there are plenty around you,
[29:05] and if you are in the here and now,
[29:07] you can touch many of them, and to generate
[29:10] a feeling of joy or happiness is something
[29:12] very easy to do at any time.
[29:17] Good condition that you have some
[29:20] mindfulness and concentration in you.
[29:23] And you know very well that to have that
[29:25] energy of mindfulness and concentration,
[29:29] you can practice mindful breathing, mindful walking.
[29:36] So that is the 5th exercise of mindful breathing.
[29:44] to generate a feeling of joy whenever you want.
[29:49] The 6th exercise is to generate
[29:51] a feeling of happiness whenever you want.
[29:55] And this is the art of happiness.
[29:59] Creating moments of joy,
[30:01] Creating moments of happiness for you
[30:04] and for the other person.
[30:09] If you are not joyful, if you are not happy,
[30:12] you do not have much to offer to him or to her.
[30:19] So to practice generating joy and happiness for you,
[30:23] you have something to offer to him or to her.
[30:28] And the next two exercises:
[30:31] to become aware of the painful feeling
[30:34] and to calm it down,
[30:36] is the art of suffering, the art of
[30:39] handling suffering.
[30:44] And we have learned last time that
[30:46] if we know how to suffer,
[30:49] we suffer much less.
[30:53] We are not overwhelmed by the suffering,
[30:56] because we know how to use the energies
[30:59] of mindfulness and concentration
[31:01] to recognize the pain and to embrace it
[31:03] and to calm it down.
[31:06] It's clear that if you know how to suffer,
[31:09] you suffer much less. And you can go further.
[31:13] You can make good use of the suffering
[31:15] in order to create happiness - the way
[31:19] we use mud in order to grow lotus flowers.
[31:26] And it is an art,
[31:28] the art to generate happiness,
[31:31] the art of handling suffering.
[31:47] The 4th exercise, and the 3rd, is about the body.
[32:00] These 4 exercises are about the feelings.
[32:08] Pleasant feeling, pleasant feeling
[32:11] painful feeling, painful feeling.
[32:15] How to generate pleasant feelings,
[32:17] how to handle unpleasant feelings.
[32:22] The 3rd exercise is to recognize,
[32:25] to be aware of your body.
[32:32] Breathing in, I am aware of my body.
[32:37] Breathing in, I know I have a body.
[32:41] Awareness of body.
[32:43] You bring your mind home,
[32:45] and you recognize the existence of your body.
[32:50] It's like you go home
[32:53] and you recognize the feeling of pain.
[32:58] But here, to recognize the presence of your body.
[33:04] And when you are home to your body,
[33:06] you might notice that there is tension,
[33:11] stress, and pain in your body.
[33:18] Because you may have allowed
[33:30] the tension to be accumulated in your body.
[33:36] You have been working your body very hard,
[33:43] and tension, pain accumulated in your body
[33:47] make you suffer.
[33:49] That is why the 3rd exercise of mindful breathing
[33:53] is to go home to your body
[33:56] and be aware of your body.
[34:00] And when you are with your body, you might notice
[34:04] that there is tension and pain in it -
[34:08] that is why you have to use the 4th exercise -
[34:12] to release the tension in your body.
[34:15] Calming the body.
[34:25] So the method is exactly the same.
[34:28] Here, you are aware of the painful feeling,
[34:32] and you calm down the painful feeling.
[34:35] On this side, you are aware of your body,
[34:38] and then you practice mindful breathing,
[34:42] to calm your body, to release the tension in your body.
[34:48] That is the praxis of relaxation -
[34:50] releasing the tension in the body.
[34:54] These 4 exercises are to take care of our body
[35:08] while the other exercises
[35:10] are to take care of our feelings.
[35:15] The first one is recognizing,
[35:25] to be aware of your inbreath and outbreath.
[35:30] Breathing in, I am aware of my inbreath.
[35:38] Breathing out, I am aware of my outbreath.
[35:44] Recognizing your inbreath and your outbreath.
[35:47] That is the first exercise.
[35:51] Every beginner of meditation practices that.
[35:57] It's very easy, but it's very deep.
[36:01] Because if you really focus your attention
[36:03] on your inbreath and your outbreath,
[36:05] you release everything else,
[36:08] and you become a free person.
[36:10] Just paying attention to your inbreath and outbreath
[36:16] can bring great results.
[36:22] And the 2nd exercise of mindful breating
[36:25] is to follow your inbreath
[36:30] and your outbreath.
[36:34] Suppose this marker represents
[36:36] the length of your inbreath.
[36:38] It begins here and it ends here.
[36:40] Maybe 3, 4 seconds.
[36:42] And suppose this finger is your mind.
[36:45] I begin to breathe in.
[36:48] Breathing in, I follow
[36:52] my inbreath all the way through.
[36:58] Breathing out, I follow my outbreath all the way through.
[37:02] My finger sticks to the marker, my mind
[37:07] follows very closely my inbreath and outbreath.
[37:11] There is no interruption.
[37:14] And breathing like that makes your mindfulness
[37:17] and concentration more solid, deeper.
[37:22] And if you are more mindful,
[37:26] if you are more concentrated,
[37:29] then the pleasure of breathing
[37:32] will be greater.
[37:34] Because breathing in and out can be very pleasant.
[37:39] If you suffer when you breathe in,
[37:42] that's not good practice.
[37:45] And when you breathe in and you feel
[37:49] pleasant, wonderful,
[37:51] you enjoy your inbreath,
[37:53] you know that is good practice.
[37:59] To breathe and to be aware that you are alive
[38:06] that can already bring you a lot of happiness
[38:10] because a person who is already dead
[38:14] does not breathe in anymore.
[38:18] As I breathe in, I know I am alive.
[38:22] And to be alive is a miracle -
[38:25] it is the greatest of all miracles.
[38:29] And that insight alone can bring happiness.
[38:33] Just to sit there and breathe
[38:35] can make you happy already.
[38:38] So the very first exercise of mindful breathing
[38:42] can already generate mindfulness, concentration
[38:47] and bring you a lot of happiness
[38:50] whether you are sitting on the grass
[38:52] or you are sitting at the foot of a tree
[38:58] and breathe in with mindfulness and concentration
[39:02] you can be a happy person just breathing in and out.
[39:07] Sitting on the bus, sitting on the train also,
[39:10] instead of thinking of this and that,
[39:13] you enjoy breathing in and out
[39:16] and you enjoy the landscape.
[39:47] One week in Plum Village is enough
[39:51] for you to learn, to train yourself in the art
[39:56] of mindful breathing and walking.
[40:04] And you can experience joy, happiness,
[40:07] and you know how to handle
[40:09] the painful feeling, the painful emotion
[40:13] that is coming up in you.
[40:17] Last time, we also spoke about listening.
[40:24] We listen to our own suffering.
[40:28] While you hold your suffering tenderly,
[40:31] you can listen to it
[40:34] because you have mindfulness in you
[40:38] you have the energies of mindfulness
[40:40] and concentration in you.
[40:43] You are not afraid of the pain in you.
[40:47] With that energy of mindfulness and concentration,
[40:50] you can look deeply into the nature
[40:53] of your suffering.
[40:57] You can listen to your own suffering.
[41:02] Because your suffering may carry
[41:06] within itself the suffering of your father,
[41:09] of your mother, of your ancestors.
[41:16] And understanding your suffering,
[41:18] you understand the suffering of your mother,
[41:22] your father, and your ancestors.
[41:27] Maybe father and mother did not know
[41:32] how to transform the suffering.
[41:35] And that is why they have transmitted
[41:37] that block of suffering to us.
[41:40] And we don't know why we suffer that much.
[41:47] The fact is that the suffering in us
[41:50] carries within itself the suffering of our father,
[41:53] our mother, our ancestors and our nation.
[41:58] That's sure.
[42:01] And that is why we need to have the time
[42:04] to listen to our own suffering,
[42:07] and to understand.
[42:13] And in order to listen, you need
[42:15] mindfulness and concentration.
[42:17] So that you are not afraid
[42:19] of being overwhelmed
[42:21] by the suffering inside.
[42:25] Looking deeply, and listening deeply
[42:29] is the act of meditation. To meditate
[42:33] is to have the time to look and to listen.
[42:38] And the object of meditation
[42:41] is our own suffering, our own pain.
[42:45] And if you continue to look, to listen,
[42:48] to your pain, your suffering,
[42:50] you come to understand.
[42:53] And understanding
[42:56] will always bring compassion.
[43:02] This is easy enough to understand.
[43:06] When you look at the other person,
[43:10] deeply... and with mindfulness,
[43:14] you have a chance to see the suffering in him, or in her.
[43:21] That person does not know how to handle
[43:23] the suffering in him.
[43:26] He continues to be the victim of his own suffering.
[43:33] He makes himself suffer, and he makes
[43:36] the people around suffer, including you.
[43:44] So far, no one has told him
[43:49] so far, no one has helped him to understand
[43:53] and transform his suffering. That is why
[43:58] he continues to suffer and to make
[44:00] the people around him suffer.
[44:03] When you suffer, you make people suffer
[44:07] even the people you love.
[44:13] Therefore, you should try to understand
[44:17] your own suffering in order to suffer less.
[44:22] Because understanding always
[44:24] brings about compassion.
[44:27] When you look at the other person deeply,
[44:30] and if you recognize the suffering in him or her,
[44:33] then you see that this person is the victim
[44:36] of his own suffering.
[44:40] And suddenly, understanding arises in you
[44:46] and you are not angry at him anymore.
[44:49] You don't want to punish anymore.
[44:54] Your anger vanishes. Instead you want
[44:59] to do something, to say something
[45:02] to help him or her suffer less.
[45:06] It means that understanding suffering
[45:08] has already brought compassion into the heart.
[45:13] Now you can begin to look at him
[45:15] with compassion.
[45:17] And you don't suffer anymore.
[45:19] Compassion makes it possible for you to stop suffering.
[45:29] It is very clear that when you understand
[45:32] the suffering of someone, you don't want
[45:34] to punish him anymore. You want to help.
[45:40] So the formula is very clear.
[45:45] Understanding brings compassion.
[45:49] And when compassion is there, you
[45:51] don't suffer anymore. No anger -
[45:54] only the intention to help.
[45:58] So when you look deeply into your own suffering,
[46:02] you see the suffering of your father, your mother,
[46:05] your ancestors and your nation,
[46:09] and that kind of understanding brings about
[46:12] compassion in your heart. And compassion
[46:15] begins to heal you. One thing we have to remember
[46:21] Compassion can heal us.
[46:26] And that is why all of us should learn
[46:28] how to generate the energy of compassion.
[46:35] Stanford University has a committee of scientists
[46:43] who study the effects of compassion.
[46:48] The fact of healing by compassion.
[46:52] And we spent one evening working with them
[46:58] about how to generate the energy of compassion
[47:02] in order to help heal ourselves and help
[47:05] heal the other people around us.
[47:10] Understanding here means understanding suffering -
[47:13] your own suffering first. Because when you have
[47:17] understood your own suffering, you suffer less.
[47:22] And when you have understood your suffering,
[47:27] it's much easier to understand the suffering
[47:30] of the other person.
[47:35] And this is possible with the practice of
[47:40] listening deeply, with compassion
[47:44] and using loving speech.
[47:48] You listen to yourself with compassion
[47:54] and you heal yourself,
[47:56] and then you begin to listen
[47:58] to him or to her with compassion,
[48:00] and you help heal him or her.
[48:11] The practice of deep listening,
[48:20] compassionate listening,
[48:23] and loving speech
[48:27] can always restore communication
[48:34] and bring about reconciliation.
[48:42] You have to understand yourself,
[48:44] you have to listen to yourself,
[48:46] you have to reconcile with yourself,
[48:50] because there may be a deep conflict within.
[48:57] And once you have been able to reconcile with yourself,
[49:03] you can reconcile very easily
[49:05] with the other person
[49:08] and end the difficulties in your relationship.
[49:18] The other person may have a lot of
[49:22] suffering in him.
[49:26] And he may have not been able to listen
[49:28] to his own suffering.
[49:30] And maybe no one has listened to him.
[49:35] And you who are a practitioner,
[49:38] you know how to listen
[49:40] to your own suffering.
[49:42] and now you want to listen
[49:44] to the suffering of the other person.
[49:48] You come to him and say:
[49:50] "Darling, I know you have suffered quite a lot
[49:54] in the past many years."
[49:57] And this is the practice of loving speech.
[50:02] Tender, gentle speech, which is
[50:08] the practice of the 4th mindfulness training.
[50:15] You go to him or to her,
[50:18] and because you have some compassion
[50:20] in your heart,
[50:22] you have seen the suffering in him or in her,
[50:24] that is why you can use easily
[50:27] what we call loving speech.
[50:30] You say like this:
[50:32] "Darling, my dear friend, I know you have
[50:36] suffered quite a lot during the past many years,
[50:44] and I was not able to help you.
[50:51] In fact I have reacted in such a way
[50:54] that made the situation worse.
[50:56] I have made you suffer more.
[50:59] I'm sorry.
[51:06] Darling, I have reacted in such a way
[51:12] because I did not see your suffering.
[51:16] I did not understand the suffering in you.
[51:23] Darling, it's not my intention to make you suffer.
[51:27] Just because I did not understand
[51:29] the suffering in you
[51:32] and I believe that if I understood the suffering in you,
[51:35] I would not react like that,
[51:38] the way I have in the past.
[51:40] So you've got to help me.
[51:44] Please tell me what is in your heart.
[51:47] Please tell me of your difficulties, your suffering,
[51:50] your frustration. I want to hear.
[51:54] Because I know that if I understand the suffering,
[51:58] I will not react the way I have in the past.
[52:02] You've got to help me. If you don't help me,
[52:06] who will help me?"
[52:09] That is the kind of speech that we must use
[52:12] in order to open the heart of someone.
[52:17] If you have seen some of his suffering,
[52:21] and if you have some amount of compassion
[52:25] in yourself, you are capable of using that
[52:28] kind of speech that we call loving speech.
[52:33] "Darling, I know you have suffered quite a lot
[52:38] and I have reacted in such a way that made
[52:43] you suffer more. I am sorry.
[52:48] It's not my intention to make you suffer like that.
[52:51] It's because I did not understand your suffering.
[52:54] So darling, please help me. Tell me what is
[52:58] in your heart. Tell me of your suffering,
[53:01] your difficulties, so that I can understand.
[53:08] And if we know how to use that kind of speech,
[53:10] we can open the heart of someone.
[53:13] He or she will tell you.
[53:16] And now we have a chance to practice
[53:19] deep listening, compassionate listening.
[53:22] Because the practice of compassionate listening
[53:26] can heal... can heal a person.
[53:31] One hour of practice, of listening,
[53:35] can already heal the other person.
[53:50] When you listen,
[53:53] you have to practice what we call
[53:55] mindfulness of compassion.
[53:58] in order to keep compassion alive in your heart.
[54:03] Because if you don't train yourself,
[54:05] you cannot listen to him or to her.
[54:08] Because what the other person says,
[54:10] might trigger anger in you,
[54:14] irritation in you,
[54:17] and when anger
[54:22] comes, you can no longer listen,
[54:27] you have lost your capacity
[54:29] to listen to him or her.
[54:32] Because what the other person says
[54:34] might make you angry,
[54:38] there may be some kind of
[54:47] bitterness, blame, accusations
[54:53] and that makes you angry,
[54:56] and you want to correct him or her,
[55:00] right away, and you transform the session
[55:03] into a debate, and you ruin everything.
[55:09] That is why you have to train yourself first.
[55:14] You train yourself in the art of listening
[55:18] to yourself.
[55:21] You train yourself in order to see the suffering
[55:24] in you. And then you train yourself to see
[55:27] the suffering in him or in her.
[55:33] And you tell yourself:
[55:35] I am listening to him with only one purpose:
[55:38] to make him suffer less.
[55:43] The purpose is not to...
[55:47] to find the truth,
[55:53] to find out who is right or wrong.
[55:56] The purpose is to help a person to suffer less.
[56:01] I am going to listen in such a way
[56:05] that can make him suffer less.
[56:09] And therefore even if he says wrong things,
[56:12] if what he says is full of wrong perceptions,
[56:17] even if there is a lot of bitterness,
[56:22] accusation, blame, I continue to listen.
[56:29] I am not going to interrupt and correct him,
[56:34] because I know that if I did that,
[56:39] I will transform the session into a debate.
[56:44] So I make the vow to listen.
[56:53] Later on, in 3, 4, or 5 days,
[56:57] I may have a chance to give him some information
[57:01] so that he may correct his perception
[57:04] but not now. Now is only to listen.
[57:08] Even if he said wrong things,
[57:11] if he had a lot of wrong information,
[57:15] I will not stop him. Because I know
[57:18] that will spoil the session. So I continue to listen
[57:23] I will tell myself: "Poor fellow, he is victim
[57:25] of so many wrong perceptions.
[57:29] But I am not going to interrupt him now,
[57:32] because if I did, I spoil the session.
[57:38] So you continue to listen with compassion.
[57:44] You know that you have time, later on,
[57:47] to help him correct his perception
[57:51] by offering him some information.
[57:57] But not now.
[57:59] And you can sit there and listen
[58:01] for one hour or more.
[58:05] And if you can remember that
[58:10] the only purpose of your listening is
[58:13] to help him empty his heart and suffer less,
[58:20] and if you can remember that,
[58:22] you nourish compassion in your heart,
[58:24] and compassion is going to protect you
[58:27] and not allow the anger in you to be triggered.
[58:34] That is called mindfulness of compassion.
[58:40] And during the time you listen to him or to her
[58:43] practice mindfulness of compassion
[58:46] so that compassion stays with you for the whole session
[58:49] and you are able to listen to him
[58:52] one hour, one hour and a half or so.
[59:10] The retreats that we offer a little bit everywhere
[59:16] usually last 6 days, or at least 5 days.
[59:23] And during the first few days, we learn how to
[59:30] recognize our feelings, our emotions
[59:35] we learn how to get in touch with the wonders of life.
[59:41] On the 3rd day, we begin to learn how to listen
[59:46] to our suffering, and to learn about
[59:50] listening to the suffering of the other person.
[59:54] On the 5th day we try to apply the practice
[59:58] of compassionate listening and loving speech
[1:00:05] in order to reconcile with the other person.
[1:00:10] If the other person is in the retreat,
[1:00:13] that is much easier,
[1:00:16] because that person has been exposed
[1:00:18] to the teaching and the practice.
[1:00:22] But if the other person is not in the retreat,
[1:00:26] you have the right to use your telephone
[1:00:28] in order to practice deep listening and loving speech.
[1:00:35] So on the 5th day, you are told
[1:00:38] that you have a chance to
[1:00:41] use the practice of compassionate listening
[1:00:47] and loving speech in order to reconcile
[1:00:51] with the other person.
[1:00:56] And the miracle of reconciliation always happens
[1:00:59] in our retreats everywhere.
[1:01:08] And on the last day of the retreat,
[1:01:10] many people came and reported about
[1:01:14] the fruit of their practice.
[1:01:18] Many had been able to reconcile with
[1:01:21] their husbands, their wives, their son and so on.
[1:01:27] I remember that retreat in Oldenburg, north Germany.
[1:01:34] That morning, 4 German gentlemen came to me
[1:01:41] and reported that
[1:01:44] the night before, they had been able
[1:01:46] to reconcile with their father at home.
[1:01:50] They had used the telephone in order to practice.
[1:01:55] One of them said: "Dear Thay,
[1:02:04] the moment I was making the phone call,
[1:02:10] calling my father at home, I did not believe
[1:02:15] I can succeed. Because I was very angry at him.
[1:02:24] I have made the vow never to go and see him anymore.
[1:02:32] So I did not believe that I can talk to him
[1:02:36] the way you told us, using loving speech.
[1:02:45] But when I heard his voice at the end of the line,
[1:02:53] suddenly I found myself capable
[1:02:55] of talking to him like that.
[1:02:59] Daddy, I know you have suffered a lot
[1:03:03] in the past many years.
[1:03:12] I was not able to help you to suffer less
[1:03:17] and I have reacted in such a way
[1:03:19] that made you suffer more.
[1:03:21] Daddy, I'm sorry.
[1:03:24] It's not my intention to make you suffer like that.
[1:03:29] Just because I did not see
[1:03:31] and understand your suffering.
[1:03:35] I believe that if I understood your suffering,
[1:03:38] I would not have reacted the way I have
[1:03:43] and made you suffer like that.
[1:03:47] I'm sorry.
[1:03:50] Please tell me, father, of your suffering,
[1:03:54] of your difficulties. I want to know.
[1:04:00] Because I'm sure that if I understood
[1:04:02] your suffering, I would not behave,
[1:04:07] I would not react the way I have in the past.
[1:04:11] Please help me.
[1:04:15] And on the other end of the line,
[1:04:21] the father began to cry, because his son
[1:04:26] has never talked to him that way.
[1:04:32] That is the result, the fruit of the practice
[1:04:40] called loving speech, compassionate speech.
[1:04:45] It always works.
[1:04:50] If you have some amount of understanding
[1:04:56] in your heart,
[1:04:58] if you can see the suffering in the other person,
[1:05:02] you can speak like that.
[1:05:07] You need only some time to look deeply
[1:05:11] to see the suffering in him or in her,
[1:05:16] to see that he has been the victim
[1:05:19] of his own suffering for a long time,
[1:05:21] and he does not need punishment.
[1:05:24] He needs help. If you have that kind of insight
[1:05:27] and compassion, you are surely capable
[1:05:30] to use loving speech.
[1:05:33] And dear Thay, I have talked with my father
[1:05:37] for 1.5 hours, and we were able to reconcile.
[1:05:43] And you know something, dear Thay,
[1:05:45] the first thing I will do after the retreat
[1:05:52] is to go straight to see him -
[1:05:55] go to his house and visit him.
[1:06:01] And many people in the retreat succeeded
[1:06:05] in the practice of reconciling with the other person.
[1:06:21] If you can listen to him or her,
[1:06:29] they will be able to listen to you also,
[1:06:35] and understand your suffering.
[1:06:43] In Plum Village, we have in the past
[1:06:49] sponsored groups of Israelis and Palestinians
[1:06:54] to come practice with us
[1:06:57] here.
[1:07:00] It's very difficult to obtain visas for Palestinians.
[1:07:06] We had to work closely with the foreign ministry
[1:07:10] in order to get a number of visas.
[1:07:16] And when the two groups came to Plum Village,
[1:07:19] it was very difficult in the beginning.
[1:07:24] They did not look at each other...
[1:07:32] I guess that when they look at each other,
[1:07:34] they suffer.
[1:07:39] So we allowed them to stay in different places
[1:07:45] and on the first days, we helped them to practice
[1:07:51] in order to get in touch with the
[1:07:57] refreshing and healing elements in nature.
[1:08:02] Walking meditation, sitting meditation, tea meditation,
[1:08:07] mindful eating, singing songs of the Dharma
[1:08:14] and then we initiated them to the practice
[1:08:17] of listening to their own suffering.
[1:08:20] Listen to their own suffering.
[1:08:24] And it's only in the second week that we brought
[1:08:29] the two groups together for the practice
[1:08:31] of listening deeply to each other.
[1:08:37] One group is invited to speak out.
[1:08:43] And they have been instructed that
[1:08:46] they can tell everything about their suffering.
[1:08:50] You can tell the other group
[1:08:53] every kind of suffering that you have undergone.
[1:08:56] Children and adults. You can tell them everything,
[1:09:00] but please use a kind of speech
[1:09:03] that can help them to understand.
[1:09:05] Don't blame, don't accuse, just tell them
[1:09:08] how you suffer - your children, your adults.
[1:09:13] Because if you use that kind of speech
[1:09:16] you help them to understand.
[1:09:18] The purpose is to help them to understand
[1:09:21] your own suffering.
[1:09:25] Do not blame, do not accuse, just tell them
[1:09:30] of your suffering The suffering you have undergone.
[1:09:35] And with the other group,
[1:09:38] who will be practicing deep listening,
[1:09:45] we tell them to sit, breathe, and listen
[1:09:52] with the practice of mindfulness of compassion.
[1:09:58] We listen to them with only one purpose,
[1:10:01] to help them to suffer less.
[1:10:04] Because we know that they also have
[1:10:06] a lot of suffering in them.
[1:10:08] So the purpose of this session
[1:10:11] is just to listen,
[1:10:14] so that they can speak out, empty their hearts,
[1:10:19] and suffer less.
[1:10:22] So we are not going to interrupt them,
[1:10:24] even if they have wrong information and so on.
[1:10:30] So both groups were practicing
[1:10:36] loving speech
[1:10:38] and compassionate listening.
[1:10:43] And the miracle --- CUT ---
[1:10:45] When you listen like that,
[1:10:49] you recognize that the other side
[1:10:52] they have suffered exactly the same thing
[1:10:56] like on your side - children and adults.
[1:11:04] Before that, you believed that only
[1:11:12] you suffer, the other side does not suffer,
[1:11:16] they are only the cause of your suffering.
[1:11:19] You believe that the other side
[1:11:22] is the cause of your suffering.
[1:11:26] But when you suffer, you listen like that,
[1:11:29] you suddenly realize that they are human beings
[1:11:32] who have suffered exactly like on your side.
[1:11:38] And for the first time,
[1:11:40] you see them as living beings
[1:11:43] full of suffering.
[1:11:47] And that kind of insight
[1:11:49] helps anger to go down in you.
[1:11:53] And you begin to look at them with compassion.
[1:11:58] The first time, you see them as living beings
[1:12:02] who have suffered exactly
[1:12:05] the same kind of suffering
[1:12:08] that on your side, you have suffered.
[1:12:13] And when you look with the eyes of compassion,
[1:12:16] you don't suffer anymore.
[1:12:21] In the beginning, there was a lot of anger,
[1:12:24] a lot of suspicion, a lot of fear,
[1:12:30] but now, since you have been able
[1:12:33] to see them as human beings
[1:12:37] who have suffered a lot like you,
[1:12:40] suddenly you feel compassion is born
[1:12:43] in your heart, and for the first time,
[1:12:47] you can look at them with compassion,
[1:12:49] and when you look like that,
[1:12:51] you don't suffer any more.
[1:12:53] You don't want to retaliate,
[1:12:55] you don't want to punish them any more,
[1:12:57] and you want to say something, to do something,
[1:13:01] to help them suffer less.
[1:13:04] Transformation begins to take place in you.
[1:13:15] And we have many sessions like that,
[1:13:17] succeeding each other,
[1:13:21] and each time, for this side to have their right
[1:13:27] to speak about their suffering,
[1:13:29] the other group will be listening.
[1:13:35] And a few sessions like that
[1:13:37] can heal the wounds of both of them.
[1:13:41] And many of us who are not Palestinians
[1:13:45] or Israelis, we sit with them,
[1:13:49] we walk with them,
[1:13:51] we eat with them,
[1:13:52] we bring our mindfulness and concentration
[1:13:55] as a collective energy to support their practice.
[1:14:03] And now they began to eat together,
[1:14:07] they began to walk together,
[1:14:10] even holding hands to walk together.
[1:14:14] It's very beautiful.
[1:14:18] And on the last day of the retreat,
[1:14:21] they always... both groups come together
[1:14:24] as one group,
[1:14:26] and reported to the whole community
[1:14:30] about the fruit of their practice.
[1:14:33] It's very moving to see the transformation
[1:14:36] and healing taking place.
[1:14:39] They always told us that when they go back
[1:14:42] to the Middle East, they will organize
[1:14:45] practice like that, so that other Israelis
[1:14:48] and Palestinians can come to practice
[1:14:51] to suffer less.
[1:14:54] And in Plum Village, every year,
[1:14:56] we send a delegation of monks and nuns
[1:14:59] and lay people to the Middle East
[1:15:02] and have organized retreats of mindfulness
[1:15:06] so that people can come and practice with us.
[1:15:12] We have sister Thay Nghiem... is she back already?
[1:15:17] Thay Nghiem is in Israel
[1:15:20] with other monks and nuns
[1:15:23] offering a retreat for people in the Middle East.
[1:15:32] So to restore communication,
[1:15:37] and to reconcile is something possible
[1:15:41] with the practice of mindfulness and concentration.
[1:15:46] If you know how to practice
[1:15:48] compassionate listening and loving speech,
[1:15:52] you can restore communication,
[1:15:54] you can reconcile.
[1:16:00] I like to tell you this story
[1:16:02] of a lady in America,
[1:16:07] She's a catholic.
[1:16:10] She wanted to commit suicide
[1:16:12] because she did not see a way out.
[1:16:19] The husband was a university professor,
[1:16:25] they have children who are in college,
[1:16:28] who are students in universities also,
[1:16:34] but they did not have happiness,
[1:16:36] because
[1:16:41] there is a lot of anger in him,
[1:16:44] despair in her,
[1:16:46] and there is no communication.
[1:16:50] She described him as a kind of bomb
[1:16:53] ready to explode at any time.
[1:17:06] That lady has a friend who is
[1:17:10] a practitioner, a buddhist practitioner
[1:17:14] of mindfulness
[1:17:17] And the buddhist lady always tried to...
[1:17:24] to get her to listen
[1:17:25] to a Dharma talk given by Thay.
[1:17:31] And the talk is about defusing a bomb.
[1:17:37] Because the catholic lady always said:
[1:17:42] "My husband was like a bomb -
[1:17:45] so much anger ready to explode at any time."
[1:17:52] So the buddhist lady said:
[1:17:54] "I have a Dharma talk, given by my teacher
[1:17:58] about how to defuse a bomb!
[1:18:01] So why don't you listen and learn
[1:18:04] to help your husband to transform his anger?"
[1:18:09] But that catholic lady said:
[1:18:11] "But I am a catholic, why do I have to listen to...
[1:18:15] ... to a Dharma talk?!" So she refused.
[1:18:21] But one day, she was in despair,
[1:18:24] and she telephoned her friend
[1:18:28] who is a buddhist practiioner:
[1:18:31] "My dear friend,
[1:18:32] I am going to kill myself tonight."
[1:18:35] And the buddhist lady said:
[1:18:38] "Well, please come, and visit me before you do so.
[1:18:44] Take a taxi, come!
[1:18:50] And tell me what is wrong."
[1:18:54] And then, when the catholic lady came,
[1:19:01] the buddhist lady said:
[1:19:03] "Dear friend, you have told me
[1:19:07] you have told me several times,
[1:19:09] that I am your best friend,
[1:19:14] and yet, I don't believe it so much,
[1:19:17] because the only request that I made
[1:19:22] is for you to listen to the talk of my teacher,
[1:19:26] but you refused. How can I believe
[1:19:28] that you are my best friend,
[1:19:31] I am your best friend at all?"
[1:19:34] That's a kind of challenge.
[1:19:39] And the catholic lady said (to herself):
[1:19:41] "Well, to satisfy her need, her request,
[1:19:47] is not so difficult,
[1:19:51] so I am going to listen to that talk,
[1:19:56] and I will go home and kill myself later on."
[1:20:02] So the buddhist lady was so happy,
[1:20:06] so she gave the cassette tape,
[1:20:10] because at that time
[1:20:12] there was no CD... no Compact Disc,
[1:20:17] and she withdrew and allowed the catholic lady
[1:20:22] to be alone and to listen to the talk.
[1:20:25] And you know that in the talk,
[1:20:28] I spoke about compassionate listening,
[1:20:31] loving speech, in order to restore communication
[1:20:34] and to reconcile.
[1:20:36] And the catholic lady sat down
[1:20:39] and listened to the whole talk.
[1:20:41] And something happened in her.
[1:20:46] And when she finished listening to the talk,
[1:20:51] she told her friend:
[1:20:53] "I'm going home and I'll help my husband!"
[1:20:58] "To defuse the bomb in him, I am going
[1:21:01] to listen to him, with compassion,
[1:21:04] so that he will suffer less.
[1:21:07] I see that he has a lot of suffering in him,
[1:21:11] and I have not helped him at all -
[1:21:14] I have reacted in such a way
[1:21:16] that made him suffer more.
[1:21:18] I'm going to practice deep listening,
[1:21:20] compassionate listening,
[1:21:22] to help him suffer less.
[1:21:25] The buddhist lady said: "Well,
[1:21:28] you have to wait, my dear friend.
[1:21:30] You need some training before you can do it!
[1:21:33] It's not just by listening to a tape
[1:21:36] that you can go and practice right away!
[1:21:39] My teacher is coming from France
[1:21:41] to give several retreats of mindfulness,
[1:21:46] and one is right here, in California!
[1:21:50] So why don't you wait for a few days
[1:21:52] and we will go to the retreat together.
[1:21:56] And I am sure that after the retreat,
[1:21:58] you will apply the teaching and you will
[1:22:04] be successful in helping your husband.
[1:22:07] And the catholic lady agreed to wait
[1:22:11] for a few days until they came to a retreat.
[1:22:18] And after the retreat, she came home
[1:22:22] very peacefully, and she was determined
[1:22:25] to practice. That night she came home
[1:22:29] and walked mindfully, breathing in and out,
[1:22:36] calming herself:
[1:22:40] "My husband, I know you have suffered so much,
[1:22:45] in the last many years.
[1:22:48] I could not help you to suffer less.
[1:22:53] And I have reacted angrily
[1:22:58] and made you suffer much more.
[1:23:02] Dear one, it's not my intention
[1:23:06] to make you suffer like that.
[1:23:08] Just because I was ignorant
[1:23:11] I did not understand the suffering in you.
[1:23:16] So please help me, tell me of your suffering,
[1:23:20] tell me of your difficulties. Please help me.
[1:23:24] I need help.
[1:23:27] And her husband began to cry.
[1:23:30] Because the lady has not spoken to him
[1:23:34] like that for a long time.
[1:23:39] And that night became a very healing night.
[1:23:43] They listened to each other, they reconciled,
[1:23:47] and she was able to convince him
[1:23:51] to go to the next retreat.
[1:24:03] Both husband and wife went to the 2nd
[1:24:06] retreat of mindfulness.
[1:24:10] And on the last day of retreat,
[1:24:12] during a tea meditation,
[1:24:17] the husband told the group
[1:24:24] introducing his wife:
[1:24:28] "This is a bodhisattva that has saved my life."
[1:24:33] She has helped me
[1:24:39] to heal and to transform.
[1:24:44] And then, a week after that, there was
[1:24:48] a day of mindfulness organized in
[1:24:52] the practice center called Spirit Rock.
[1:24:56] There were many thousand people coming
[1:24:58] for the mindfulness day.
[1:25:01] And a couple came with their 3 children
[1:25:05] and attended the day of mindfulness.
[1:25:10] And we had a chance to meet that group,
[1:25:16] and they told us the story.
[1:25:19] The buddhist lady brought them over,
[1:25:25] introduced them, and told us the story
[1:25:28] of the transformation and healing
[1:25:31] of the family.
[1:25:38] And when I talked to...
[1:25:45] I remember when one day I talked
[1:25:48] to a group of Vietnamese buddhists,
[1:25:52] I said: "That lady, she's a catholic,
[1:25:56] she's not a buddhist,
[1:25:59] but only after 5 days of retreat,
[1:26:03] she was able to restore communication
[1:26:06] and to reconcile with her husband.
[1:26:09] And you are buddhists! And if you cannot do
[1:26:13] like her, your practice is not good enough!
[1:26:21] It's a kind of challenge... challenging.
[1:26:25] The fact is that buddhists are not buddhists
[1:26:29] if you know how to practice
[1:26:32] compassionate listening and loving speech
[1:26:34] you'll be able to restore communication
[1:26:37] and to reconcile.
[1:26:40] You have to stop that situation
[1:26:43] of difficult relationships.
[1:26:46] And if you know how to do it,
[1:26:49] you can succeed after 5 days of practice.
[1:26:55] And I think in the case of the Israelis
[1:27:01] and Palestinians, that is a difficult
[1:27:09] case.
[1:27:12] And that is why, if we have difficulties
[1:27:15] in our relationships, don't despair.
[1:27:19] There is a way out.
[1:27:22] You have to go back to yourself first.
[1:27:36] You are here.
[1:27:39] And you are the person here.
[1:27:43] You have difficulties in your relationship,
[1:27:48] you have tried so many times without success,
[1:27:55] and you are about to give up.
[1:27:59] You are thinking of divorce,
[1:28:01] you are thinking of separation,
[1:28:04] you are thinking of suicide, and so on.
[1:28:09] Because you have tried everything,
[1:28:12] and you did not succeed.
[1:28:14] But when you touch the Dharma,
[1:28:19] you see the way.
[1:28:22] The way is
[1:28:25] to begin with yourself.
[1:28:28] Listen to your own suffering,
[1:28:30] go home to yourself.
[1:28:33] Don't try to help the other person,
[1:28:37] try to help yourself first.
[1:28:40] Practice mindful breating, mindful walking
[1:28:43] go home to yourself,
[1:28:45] and listen to your suffering inside.
[1:28:50] Because understanding suffering
[1:28:52] will bring compassion. And compassion
[1:28:56] is going to heal you, and make you suffer less,
[1:29:00] and then you can help the other person.
[1:29:03] So the first thing is for you
[1:29:06] to go home to yourself.
[1:29:12] The way out is in.
[1:29:20] And after you have suffered less,
[1:29:23] after you have generated
[1:29:26] and amount of understanding and compassion,
[1:29:30] then you are ready to go help him or her.
[1:29:35] And that is the process.
[1:29:41] And you don't need to be a buddhist
[1:29:43] in order to do that.
[1:29:45] Everyone can do that,
[1:29:49] and restore communication
[1:29:51] and reconcile.
[1:30:08] I think that's good enough for today.
[1:34:36] Subtitles by the Amara.org community
